I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
