True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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