I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
