I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
