do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
