just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
