Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
