Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
