I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
