a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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