my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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