I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
