I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
