He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
