the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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