I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
