Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I came so hard my ears popped.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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