Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
