he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
