the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
