The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
