I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
