threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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