life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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