I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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