Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
