Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
