Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
