Where is the hickey?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My life is pants optional.
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