Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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