the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
