Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
