nut hugger
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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