I accidentally burped into my bong.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
