I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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