I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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