Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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