so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
