Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
