guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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