nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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