Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
