I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
