she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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