I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
