You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and she was petting her beer can
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
