Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
