do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
