Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
