dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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